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The new year has gotten off to a tough start for me. I’ve been feeling discouraged and heavy-hearted because of criticism we encountered over Christmas. Much of this was directed towards homeschooling in general, and a bit towards parenting decisions and styles.
I’ve been a mother for just 4 years, and have had many doubts about whether I’m doing the best job. Am I over-protective? Too sheltering? Do I have unrealistic expectations?
Like many of you, I’ve spent a lot of time and energy thinking through plans and decisions, and praying for guidance. I often find myself hoping that I “get it right the first time” because there’s a good chance we will not be blessed with more children. What other parents consider to be the normal things of life that don’t require much thought (from toys to education) strike me as big deals – things I want to research, think through, and pray about.
I have found that taking the time to ponder these decisions has helped me learn about myself – what I really believe and what really matters to me – and because of this my confidence has grown.
However, the downside is that I’ve heard a lot of remarks about “apron strings” {sigh}, and the like. I’ve realized that strongly-held priorities and principles make others uncomfortable and apt to criticize. It’s something I find frustrating and bewildering, but I’ve tried to disregard it in the past. This time I’m really having trouble with it.
Perhaps it’s partly because this coming fall is when Matthew would start “real” preschool. The thought of these days we share coming to an end makes me feel something in the pit of my stomach that I can’t quite put into words. And if he doesn’t go to “real” preschool, I’m pretty sure the pressure, criticism and stress-levels are going to skyrocket.
I’ve heard homeschoolers say that the best thing to do is take it one year at a time. You don’t start by saying, “we are going to homeschool forever!” When I began teaching Matthew, I didn’t even know I was “homeschooling” – it was just what came naturally to both of us as we spent our days together, after deciding that TV wasn’t an option for getting through the days.
The best mothers I know are ones who take their roles seriously, the ones who give careful thought and prayer to the decisions they make for their children. I find a lot of support and encouragement from these mothers, and I’m thankful for that. Many of them are you – you mothers who know what it’s like to take on the job of doing what’s best for your children, regardless of the sacrifices it involves – and I’m so thankful for the online community of homeschoolers.
But it remains a fact that there are “real life” friends and family that we have to get along with. Their support or lack of it can make a significant difference in the peace and harmony within our families.
So, how do you handle it when these very important people in your life, and your child’s life, disapprove of your parenting style and choices? And what do you do when, several weeks later, you still find yourself thinking about their hurtful comments and find that it’s draining the joy out of your days with your child(ren)?
I would love to read advice from seasoned mothers about how to handle hurtful criticisms from close friends and family; please share your thoughts in the comments.
Here’s what I’ve found helpful so far:
First, try to examine the arguments in an objective frame of mind. It helps to know that most of these people genuinely care for your child too, and may be speaking from ignorance or some emotionally sore spot of their own. For example, someone who is a teacher in an institutional school (which many of our friends and family are) may feel that it’s a personal statement against them if someone is thinking of or approves of homeschooling. Many children are blessed to have a loving teacher in their lives. It’s important to let people like this know we admire the work they do. Teachers themselves tell us how hard it is to teach so many children at one time – all the work and time and energy they put into doing this is admirable – but it is this very thing that can also help them understand that the one-on-one tutoring found in homeschooling can be best for many children. A teacher can love her students, I believe this; however, it will never match the love and understanding that a good parent has.
Some parents may feel that their choices are being judged when other parents choose a different way of raising their children. I think we have to be sensitive to this, and make sure that we support parents in whatever decisions they make for their families. Most kind and loving parents deserve support, not criticism, even if what they choose is not what we think is best for our family. It’s a two-way street of respect and support. Sometimes we have to be the ones to extend the olive branch first.
Second, make sure any legitimate criticisms are faced with honesty. The one criticism that has troubled me the most is about socialization. Socialization (or another legitimate concern), especially of an only child, worries the hearts of grandparents and others who truly love your child. This is where it’s good to really determine what your own thoughts and beliefs are, and be able to explain them to others. Matthew is well-mannered, (or knows how to be anyway), articulate, thoughtful, helpful, can carry on a conversation with anyone of any age, and is caring of others. By my standards, these are exactly the social skills I want him to have at this age. We also do 3 to 4 outside-of-home activities most weeks, each including other children. I honestly do not think socialization is an issue at this point, and it’s a relief to my own mind to have that clearly spelled out.
Lastly, think of yourself as an example to others. We can encourage other parents to take the steps of clarifying what is important to them, and offer them support as they work to make their family life line up correctly with those priorities. When these are the same people who have hurt you with their criticisms, it will take forgiveness first. I recently ran across a helpful thought in a little book titled, Interior Freedom, by Jacques Philippe:
“[A] refusal to forgive… binds us to the person we resent, and diminishes or destroys our freedom… When we foster resentment towards someone, we can’t stop thinking about him. We are filled with negative feelings that absorb a large part of our energy, and so there is an “investment” in that relationship that does not leave us available, psychologically and spiritually, for what we should be concentrating on. Resentment attacks our vital forces and does us much harm.” (p. 66, emphasis mine)
In the recent past I’ve taken time off from regular activities, and have focused on rediscovering that joy of motherhood. I’ve taken time to hold Matthew and love him, listen to him, read to him, and thank God for giving him to us (I always do these things, but have been more purposeful about it lately). I’ve remembered that my responsibility is to be a good mother, and that I can be an example to others, showing them how joyful, not burdensome, motherhood and all it entails (even teaching) can be.
Read about Nicole’s homeschool preschool life with her 4 year old son at Tired, Need Sleep.
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
I have four kids — ages 7, 6, 2, and 1, and we started homeschooling this year after watching my oldest slog her way through Kindergarten last year. She did fine, and she even liked her teacher, but she was a changed kid from the happy, energetic, inquisitive girl she had been. We knew something had to change, so we made the choice to homeschool, and we have our bright little ray of sunshine back, at full force :-)
Family members are still questioning our decision, even after testing revealed that my now first grader is reading at a 5th grade level, and that her Kindergartener sister is reading at a 2nd grade level. Despite the fact that they’re thriving, confident, happy kids, people will always question anything you do that is outside the norm. I’ve gotten the “apron strings” comments since my oldest was a newborn. I have been accused of being “overprotective” and of sheltering them. My inlaws are more like most families — both parents work, the kids have been in daycare since birth, and attend public school and latchkey. Definitely not “sheltered.” You know the interesting thing about that? My supposedly sheltered children will strike up a conversation with people, have fun, and try new things. My inlaws’ children tend to be very nervous around people and won’t try anything new for fear of failing or embarrassing themselves.
The difference is security. Rather than sheltering my kids, I’ve provided them with the security of knowing I’m there when they need me. Knowing this, they’re less afraid of striking out and trying new things.
(I know this is getting long — sorry!) In the end, the only one that matters is your child. It doesn’t matter what relatives or friends think — the only one you owe anything to is Matthew. Listen to your intuition, trust yourself. As his mom, you know what’s best for him. Make your decisions, and know that people will disagree and make the occasional snide comment. Smile and nod, and continue doing what you’re doing — being a loving, supportive mom to your son.
(Also — your son is perfectly socialized. School is fake socialization — at what other time in his life is he going to be stuck in a room for seven hours a day with only people exactly his own age, who he’s not allowed to talk to unless given permission first?) :-)
Family on both sides continuously ask me when I am sending my children to public school (especially for the need of socialization). First of all, my husband and I are the only ones who will stand before the Lord for our children, not grandparents or other family members. We are our children’s authority. When socialization becomes a question, I have to boldly state that public school socialization is not the socialization they need (especially not in our area). I want to be at peace with my family, too, but not at the expense of my children. They did what they thought was best in raising their children and now I am raising mine.
I am so glad to hear your story. I am homeschooling an only child and she will be our only child as well. I am in my third year of homeschooling. My dd is only in first grade just turned 7. I use to get the same comments especially about the socializing. I don’t do to many social outing as I live kind of far from a big city and I was not happy with the style of the local co-op. I took lots of criticizim from family at first and friends. I have basicly seperated myself from those that have anything nasty to say. I don’t feel they are being very nice and if they can’t respect my choice as I respect theres then I don’t need them in my life. I too had a highschool friend that is a teacher and although she was always frustrated with the school politics and parents uninvolvement she also has rude comments to say about my choices to homeschool. I finally decided that I didn’t need that in my life. It’s not easy to walk away from a friendship but I knew it had to be done. I also have separated myself from family members that did the same. I still have family and friends that I talk to but they know where I stand; I respect their decision and I expect they respect mine. It’s very hard to homeschool when everyone had bad comments and your trying to do what is best for your child. I have to admit my husband is a big help. He always has supported me and has told me that the best decision is never easy or popular but you have to do what you know is best and as long as you give it your all I don’t see how you can do worse than an public school program. When he told me this it really opened my eyes. I hope you stick with it and know your not alone. You are doing what you feel is the best for your child and I respect that.
I home school my kindergartner and she still goes to school for the “specials” like gym, music and art. Not because I think she’s going to get some great education through them, but because she likes to socialize with other kids. Having her go to the specials seems to make most people calmer about home schooling. With Pre-school we just told people straight up that she didn’t need to go because she was in play groups and she already knew more then she would learn at preschool, which would shut people up.
And- My mom is a teacher, and she’s begun to see home schooling in a different light, she sees how well my daughter is doing (MUCH better then most public school children) and I also use her for help, which I’m sure makes a difference. When I’m trying to teach her something and she’s just not getting it, I call my mom and ask what she does.
Just remember, that you are the mother, you are the one who makes the decisions. You are the one who can know what’s best for your child. Criticism always goes when you do something “different”, but if everyone did the same thing, well, we’d have even more problems. Don’t give up, really, people used to always look at me funny when I said my daughter was home schooled, now many of those same people are asking me for advice.
One word has given me a wonderful gift in dealing with myself and others and that is compassion. Compassion for myself and the decisions I make with my best intentions. Compassion for others who criticize without seeing the balance of our lives because we choose differently.
It’s so easy to let our thoughts rule the roost. Thoughts are really like the rain or the snow…hundreds of drops or flakes and impossible to catch each one once the onslaught starts. Once we realize that when we weather the storm without reaction eventually the barrage will end and the snow will melt and the rain dry up. Our thoughts are much the same in their nature.
These ‘issues’ we deal with in our daily lives eventually tapper off. So show yourself some compassion and those others too who do not understand what you do. Routine gives many people comfort in an ever changing existence. Many feel you need to do A, B, and C to have a complete and fulfilling experience. It is okay to not subscribe to the fears others may have or to justify what you do.
I have taught each of my 4 children at home for the last 12 years. We got alot of negative remarks (mostly behind our backs) in the beginning. The most important thing is to know without a doubt that God has called you to homeschool your son, and do you have your husbands support? These are the biggest things. If you can honestly say yes to these 2 things you are without doubt doing the right thing. Once our familys saw my homeschoolers in action months later all of the negative comments stopped. Be willing to ask the teachers in your family for advice, involve them by asking if its okay to call them if you hit a tough spot. Once everyone sees how determined you are it will get easier to be around them without their negativity. Now if God called you to it, he will get you through it. Take it one day at a time. Don’t let anyone else’s remarks bother you, they just don’t understand and thats hard to admit.
Blessings
Donna
For us, it took time. At first I think people see a decision to homeschool as a condemnation of the status quo. Deep down I think they feel like you’re somehow criticizing or passing judgment on the way they did things because they are not/were not homeschoolers. The “hey-I-turned-out-alright,” didn’t I response (or my children did) comes from a place of doubt and/or self-defense.
Dispelling the doubt takes time. For me, it helped that I reminded my parents that they were like us, too. Wanting the best for their children and “pseudo-homeschoolings” in their own right. (The were always taking us on educational field trips and vacations and could care less if that meant pulling us out of school. They knew learning happened outside “school” walls.)
For my brother and his wife, it became clear when their 2nd grade daughter came home talking about things that were well beyond her years and they bemoaned the lack of innocence out there today. In contrast, they felt that when their children were with mine, even though some of mine were older, they never had to worry about those influences as we were trying to keep our kids kids too. I remind them that we’re not perfect were just trying to do what we feel is best, and believe that every parent wants the best for their children. And, as is written above, we’re not above criticism.
Additionally, I did find help in the way to word responses to objections. I remember reading and rereading parts of Kimberly Hahn’s, Homeward Bound book as well as Dr. Mary Kay Clark’s, Catholic Homeschooling. Those books nicely handled how to respond and I continue to read other homeschooling books for that reason.
Best news – the studies on homeschoolers just keep getting better and better and for a lot of people that’s a real world measurement.
There will always be doubts for the homeschooler and the non homeschooler. Have I done the right thing is a question if you do or you don’t homeschool. Trust. If God leads you to it He will lead you thru it has been so true for me.
Allison´s last [type] ..Because He First Loved Us
This makes my heart hurt, as I have been through it for years with my own children. I think the “milestone” years are the hardest–those years such as Pre-K, K and first grade, and the start of middle school or high school. I had to gently explain to grandparents (repeatedly)that there is MORE to life than a mini cap-and-gown at five–this after we made the awful decision to put my FIVE YEAR OLD in first grade at the local PS–I spent that school year not only depressed, but walking through the house in tears most days, not enjoying the time at home with my three-year-old, because I would look at his sisters’ things and think of all the time they were NOT getting to be children while sitting in desks(and later I found out they were also watching WAY more movies than we would ever allow and playing games on the internet instead of doing schoolwork or spending precious time at home). The next year we brought them back home and I can honestly say we have not looked back. Home is where our family NEEDS to be. It took five years and a year of public school for me to “sign up” for the long haul as a homeschooler, but I am SO GLAD I did. The peace we have enjoyed since making that decision is impossible to describe. It’s a joy to know we’re doing the best we can, and that we don’t HAVE to “measure up” to artificial standards for our children–with God’s help, and He does help, we will do what needs to be done.
I hope you will be able to settle in your mind that you are doing the best for your son–the socialization question is the last stronghold of those who would make home educators “blend in” with the hordes. It does not hold water, and it sounds like your son is just where he needs to be. Peer pressure is seriously over-rated, as are hours upon hours wasted in classrooms. Children need to learn from books, yes. They need to learn to get along with others, indeed. BUT they need the guidance and love of God through their parents as they navigate those rocky waters.
Blessings to you–I will pray that God shows you just how special your job is TO HIM. :)
April´s last [type] ..Flowers from Long Ago
What everyone else says… time does help tremendously. They will see how great it is for your son. But it is always possible that they will never change, and then time still helps. Because the longer you homeschool, and the older you get, the more comfortable you are with who you are and what you have chosen for your children. And you’ll be able to let those things go. This is our third year and every year I’ve gotten a little more confident :)
One day, you might even find yourself chuckling at their ignorance!
Angela @ Homegrown Mom´s last [type] ..Your Daughter’s Hormones Homeschooling Girls Day 7
I have a slightly different perspective, as my three boys are now 17, 15, 13. Our family and friends had the attitude “When high school rolls around, they’ll come around.” Well, we are still homeschooling. Not because we planned to, and not to prove others wrong, but because it was right for our family and right for our kids. Our kids are smart, imaginative, able and admittedly, kind of nerdy. They struggle with certain subjects, have charater flaws and sometimes smell bad. In other words they are normal boys.
Not everyone can or should homeschool; it is a decision that affects and defines your family. Though not the easiset route, it is full of satisfying moments and joys. When we encounter people who feel free to opine about our family I just say how grateful I am that I have the opportunity to know my kids and meet the unique needs of my own children. That pretty much shuts them down without being rude.
Love your thoughts on this, as well as those in the comments. I’ve been there, especially being told I’m “sheltering” and “overprotective”. Bottom line is, you will never regret spending this time with your child and investing this type of effort into his education and character.
I understand. My older son is in “real” preschool but only because it is better (for us) for his autism. Not the best choice for everyone, I understand. Wasn’t my first choice but I think we’re doing best with our kids. And you are with yours, too.
Read Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. You parent the best way you know how.
S Club Mama´s last [type] ..Monday Meanderings- Valentines Day 2011
May God bless your efforts! It’s difficult making the decision to homeschool, because it is not the typical choice. My husband and I know. We were there, too!
After fifteen years of parenting, and seven years of homeschooling, I’ve heard it all, from grandparents and well-meaning friends and relatives. My two boys are social butterflies and have learned how to socialize in a proper way only through homeschooling. I didn’t home school them from the beginning. My oldest son went to Catholic school through 2nd grade and my younger through 1st. During those years, they were very, very lonely, mostly because they were not athletic like the other boys and we did not have TV, other than PBS and mom/dad-approved videos. However, since we started homeschooling their circle of friends (quality friends; yes, you can choose friends for your children, thank you) has grown significantly.
What struck me most about your post is that your child is only 4 years old, and already you are being advised about proper socialization and cutting the apron strings. What is the rush? You are your child’s BEST and PRIMARY teacher. My boys also attended preschool, but only 2 or 3 mornings a week, for a total of 4-6 hours. The rest of the time they were with me, at my side, and we kept ourselves very, very busy at home reading, learning, crafting, and exploring. We LOVED our time together. I will never regret all those hours spent together. My 15-year old still brings up those great memories!
When I began hearing arguments against our homeschooling, I realized that there were many factors going into those arguments, and they had little if nothing to do with our family. I thought the best way to handle it was to put it into perspective: every family has an option that’s appropriate to them, and homeschooling was ours…and OURS to make. After a few years, others could see the value of what we were doing, and the arguments disappeared. In fact, one relative has since joined the homeschooling community, and another is seriously considering it for her soon-to-be high schooler.
The choices we made were spot-on, and I can see that clearly looking back. When you are a young parent and with a small child, you hear lots of advice and it’s easy to feel intimidated. But you must stand strong for what the Lord has called you to do. You don’t need to be confrontational or “right”, you just need TO DO what is right. The only person who MUST support you is your husband; and if he doesn’t, then you need to have a heart-heart talk. Your motherly and wifely instincts will guide you, and Our Lord will bless your efforts.
Regarding “socialization,” you might want to see my post at this link. http://kathleenscatholic.blogspot.com/2010/06/your-kids-are-stuck-in-house-all-day.html
Hang in there! You will do just fine!God bless!
Hello. I am in no way a seasoned home schooling momma I am, however; a passionately God fearing Jesus fallowing Christian, wife, and momma to two little blessings ages 5 & 3. When asked by family, friends, and strangers alike, “Are they in school?” my reply is, “We are heading down the home school path. ” We don’t have family support but I am told that will come in time, just don’t know how much time. *smile* We both went to public (and me to christian for a couple years) school and I suppose family figures we are no worse the wear for it. We hope for more for our children than just a scholastic education with a lot of wold values rooted deep within their spirits. Christ did a work in the two of us and has entrusted these two into our care so with each decision we come upon be that training, schooling, atcitivies we are involved with, or cloths we wear, we turn to Him not them. We would appriciate their blessing on our decisions, but are able to understand that it’s not their praise we truly want. This doesn’t get rid of the hurt or tears from time to time, but it does give us courage to keep on the narrow path we see before us. *smile*
Both of our children are growing in Christ, memorizing scripture, can visit with kids and adults alike, enjoy time with family, can read (our 3 year old is a beginning reader), they can count…and so on. So we are not worried scholastically nor “schocially” I give glory to God for the two little blessings we have and their amount of knowledge they have already soaked up. *smile*
Grow in God and remember to pray always. Sincerely, Mommy of two little blessings & so much more!
It seems there is a large idea out there that we “have” to send our kids to preschool so they will be ready for school. Maybe to help ease the minds of your family you could get a list of the things that a child will learn in preschool and then tell and show them that he is learning everything that he needs to know for starting school (whether or not you decide to keep homeschooling). Talk about how much you have enjoyed seeing him learn such and such and that you are glad you made the decision to teach him yourself because otherwise you wouldn’t get to see the same day to day progress. As for socialization, get together with some of his peers once every week or two. Does he go to Sunday School/Church, if so he is learning how to get along in society. My husband takes our son to Christian Service brigade, where they both can bond and have fun with other people (some other things that would be similar would be AWANA, scouts, etc.). As a homeschooling mom of 4 children, I try to limit the number of outside activities we participate in, so that we have time to get our school done and work around the house. We do go to Storytime at our local library every week, we go shopping together, we are involved in volunteering at our church to fill a need, play with the neighbor kids and attend church, Sunday School and Bible Study, I feel our kids have plenty of outside socialization. They actually know how to get along with and talk knowledgeable conversations with adults.
Do what you feel is the right thing for your family and don’t feel guilty about how others may think you might not be doing the best thing. They will be able to see how well he is doing as time goes by.
Suanna´s last [type] ..Childrens Book Review – Snow
Thank you all so much for your comments. The support of homeschooling moms is amazing, and you are all obviously brilliant too of course. ;) I very much appreciate the wisdom each of you have shared. Thank you!
WOW, this one is tough for many reasons. The idea that those close to you are critical of a choice that brings you much joy is hard to overcome or accept. Most of our criticism came from my husband’s family, which made it easier for me as it wasn’t mine. But I do have some close friends that challenged me as to my decision.
I like what you said about taking it one year at a time as this is very helpful. Homeschooling may work out for all 12 years or it may only be a one year deal. Take it as it comes and listen to your heart and your child’s. This is the only way to really know what is best. You may even try school and then pull your child out to homeschool down the road. The real point is that each year is a different year and each situation is to be dealt with as it comes.
What has worked for me in my life regarding criticism in general is that I find I listen to my own heart and soul. I know my intentions and if they are pure, then it really doesn’t matter what another says. I generally don’t pay any mind to others thoughts, as they are outside of my thought. I am the one that needs to make decisions and it is my role to be the decision maker when it comes to my children. Of course my husband and I talk and communicate our desires and choices. But at the end of the day our family has to be our priority, and the outside voices are outside of the situation. Follow your heart and let it talk to you. Dismiss the other voices.
I really don’t have any other advice but that. Of course there are situational things to do, as in don’t bring it up in mixed company, find yourself an amazing support group locally, arm yourself with the statistics, Choose a curriculum that makes sense to you or better yet find an educational philosophy that you agree with and follow it. Create a rhythm around you that is nourishing etc. However, if you are unable to quiet the outside voices, you will always be questioning your actions. You must stand firm on your convictions and let it guide you. You can also let the others know this decision is not up for discussion. This is your family and your responsibility and as you appreciate their thoughtfulness and concern, this is one area in your life that you and your partner have to make.
Best of luck and skill in dealing with this situation!
Mystik Momma´s last [type] ..Groudhogs Day I RESURFACE!
I’ve been homeschooling my three children for 8 years now. If you think folks are questioning about not sending your son to preschool – just wait and see what happens if you decide not to send him to HIGH SCHOOL! Folks really come out of the woodwork then – even mere acquaintances.
My answer is probably not going to be very helpful right now but will be helpful over the years. I truly believe that the most important aspect of successful homeschooling is the same aspect that is most important in successful marriages – commitment. If you are truly committed to homeschooling, people will grow to respect (or at least accept) your decision. As well, it will take TIME but as your son grows up and is a normal, happy, well-educated kid, the people who love him will quit worrying about your decision to homeschool so much. It’s really hard for my friends and family to worry about my teenage daughter’s lack of socialization when she has multiple social events each month, lots of friends, and a cell phone with an active texting life!
I just want to strongly encourage you to follow your heart and God’s leading regarding the education of your son. As he grows and things turn out just fine, the criticism will die down. I think it also helps to never grow defensive – our standard line is “Homeschooling is not for everybody but it works well for us.”
Lastly, most likely your friends and family feel they need to keep you from homeschooling and not sending your child to “real school.” While preschool does seem to be a big deal now to many (and preschool is a wonderful time of learning and growth), you are not legally homeschooling until you need to send those papers into your local school district and the big yellow bus passes right by your house. Once the deal is done and you’re not sending him to kindergarten, most likely, acceptance will truly begin.
Best wishes to you – you can find scads of support online. I would also encourage you to seek out like-minded mothers in a local homeschool support group.
Samantha
Samantha´s last [type] ..Celebrating Thankfulness – 101-120
As a mom of an only almost-4yo, I can relate to a lot of this, with one good? exception: so far the only (uninformed) criticism I’ve gotten from the “general public” has been that I’m educating my daughter too young and should let her play longer. It seems most people are quite supportive of homeschooling here and in my family/friendship circles, even if they don’t choose that route.
The bulk of criticism I find in my community is from other homeschoolers who have very strong opinions about exactly how a child should be raised. I’ve found some local homeschoolers to be rather evangelical about their choices to the point of judging others’ Christianity, which drives me crazy and makes me so appreciative of the online community.
Love your focus on the joy of motherhood! I need to do more of that…
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